Being Gay

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We have a residual effect of gay sex from a bygone era where you never broke through anonymity. Now, anonymous or non-monogamous sex is an empowerment to some people. With empowerment there's an associated entrapment of "too much." It's too easy for non-gay people to label gay men as "sex addicts." So, we must be careful of therapists who label us. We should take the advice of AA; you can't begin to work on your problems... unless you recognize the problems within you... and you are ready to deal with them.

As for being gay and bipolar, we are multiplying troubled by mania, depression, medications, and our own conscience.

Mania, when we are flying high, sex is often a top priority. To some itís an obsession. Gratification could be excessive masturbation or to the extreme of seeking sex without conscious behavior. Medication as offered some relief, but without the satisfaction. The need and desire remain, but the motivation is not there.

Depression, whatís sex? If we have partners or boyfriends, they feel cheated. Sex becomes a chore. The medications may brighten our spirits, but the drive remains low. Viagra is not a complete solution. It may give you an erection, but no drive. The flip side is anger and depression. Sex in this condition is sometimes more dangerous than maniaís elation.

Medications, damned if you do, damned if you donít. Finding the right combination of drugs to balance our chemistry is our greatest challenge. There isnít one miracle drug to solve our chemical imbalance. We try several, some in pairs; others that seemed to have failed in the past resurface as a combination that works. We struggle with side effects often with a promise that it will subside, but never do. We jump from dosage to dosage to seek a balance and sometimes we win, but often we must live through peeks and valleys. Some drugs require blood counts; getting labs done are a complete hassle! Then there are the sexual effects. Sometimes the drive is there, but often itís not. I find achieving an erection and maintain it is difficult. As a top, this sucks! Whatís worse is, using a rubber. I never had a problem with rubbers during intercourse, now itís nearly impossible. I found a little numbing gel works to create a raging hard-on, but you have to remember to wash it off after a few minutes, and well before playing with your partner. If you donít, you can numb his hole and end up hurting him.

Conscience, itís not a morality judgment. Our sense of right and wrong can be altered by our environment and by our chemistry. Environmental conditions that are highly sexually charged like sex clubs, the backroom of some bars, or a drunken pool party (you get the picture). Theses environments can cause a sense of confusion or a strong need to remove oneís self from the situation. For some the stimulus can overwhelming in a hypersexual way. Regardless or the situation, we find ourselves in situations that are sexually charged, some are real, but others are completely imaginary. The realization that a situation is in our minds is frightening and disturbing. Our chemistry is the greatest challenge to our conscious being. Situations (real or perceived) can become a basis for a reactive depression. This is not the cycling of manic depression, but an introduced depression that can accompany mania or what we perceive as balance. True rapid cycling between depression and mania has a different effect on us as individuals. My mania trends to cause hyper-focus on computer related tasks, or worse, buying computer related products.

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Being Bipolar